I've been neglecting my writing...

On here and in RL. Part depression (STILL), part confusion, part lack of interest in examining anything. I have a new friend, and he's making me examine things. Not in a mean way, just that he will ask me about things and push me on it. He challenges me. I like that. 

I had a pretty big problem with it at the beginning of our friendship. I wanted to date him. He's attractive, smart as hell, funny. We talked about it extensively. Which is odd to me. But the whole friendship is odd, in a good way. Part of the issue was having deep, emotional, thoughtful conversations with someone. I'm not used to that level of emotional intimacy. It messed with my head big time. It wasn't anything he did on purpose, he set VERY clear boundaries that he only wants friendship. And gave me valid reasons why, namely that he wants kids and I don't. As I've come to know him longer and take the "Everything he does is wonderful" blinders off, I've come to realize he was completely correct, and I would end up hating him if we dated. HA. But he's become one of the best friends I have ever had. Still struggling with wanting to jump on him, but I can handle that. 
Open and honest communication. That's the basis of our friendship. That and he has a need to help people, and I need help. And he needs help, and I need to help. It goes both ways.  I told him that's why I haven't gone full-on atheist, because The Universe or God or Life or whomever brings people into your life when you need to learn something. Sometimes you recognize it as it's happening, sometimes you don't. This is one where I recognize that he's someone I need to learn things from. Trust. Compassion. How to be friends again. Patience. 
He's one of the most compassionate and genuinely GOOD people I have ever met in my life. He can be a thoughtless jerk, he's a complete spazz, he has far to much energy for me sometimes, he's needy and exhausting at times. But I love him as a friend, he's also an amazing person who has no idea how beautiful his soul is. 
Still working on getting the money issue under control. The ex is working again, but he's making less than he was on unemployment. But he's out of the house, not as depressed, and not stressing me out by being here and depressed all the time. My vacation reset, and I got FMLA again. Already using it, but that's what it's there for. I'm trying NOT to use it so often. I have had a med change, and am hoping that will help with that.
My pdoc upped my Lamictal to 200 mg/day, and I tapered myself off Zoloft and he let me switch to Celexa. I heard from other people that Zoloft made their anxiety worse, and lo and behold, when I started going off it mine went down as well. It was out of control. Now it's MUCH better. I'm hoping the Celexa, being something I haven't tried, will help get me out of the depression I've been in for over a year. and the higher dose of Lamictal as well. And that's about it. Going back to sleep shortly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mQtcvgYCQ8&list=PL4FDC372978A49B46

Sometimes, it's not a choice...

I feel like I NEED to write. Like it's not a choice at this point in time.
Why do I need to write? I feel like a worthless, pointless, apathetic lump of shit. Intellectually, I KNOW this isn't true. I KNOW that I'm not. I AM VALUABLE. Emotionally, the words ring false. I'm unlovable. I'll never be worthy of love. I'm not capable of returning love, would I be so lucky as to receive it. Too self absorbed, too selfish, never GOOD enough. 
" There will never be
  Another one like you
  There will never be
  Another one who can
  Do the things you do.

  Will you give another chance?
  Will you give a little try?"
 - The Doors, Shaman's Blues

The worst part is, I KNOW it's all just feelings. Not truth. Not honesty. Feelings brought on by circumstance, by hormones, by biochemical issues in my brain. IT'S NOT ME. It's NOT true, it's NOT who I am. It's how I feel right now. It WILL pass.

I've made decisions to cut people out of my life. One I was forced to make. The other, I chose to make. And they both hurt. But the hurt is part of learning. Learning how to dictate how I choose to be treated. Learning how to rid myself of people who can't or won't return the respect, friendship, trust, and love that I give.

I need to stop hiding. I need to get out and LIVE again. Stop hiding behind all my fears and phone and laptop. Go outside. Feel the air. Feel the earth. Get more exercise. Even if it's just walking around the block. I need to get off my ass. 

I have so DAMN much to learn still. So damn much. It overwhelms me at times, especially not knowing what all I still need to learn. Somethings I know and am working on. Triggers, loving myself first. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Mostly of myself. 

I know if it wasn't for this hard road, I wouldn't be the person I am today. But sometimes, I just wish it could be a little easier.

I truly need to stop focusing on men as a distraction. But I've been doing it for so long, it's hard to stop. Who wouldn't rather feel the thrill, the excitement, the wanting instead of doing the hard work? The work of making myself into someone I can love. For ME. It's so much harder than the pleasurable distraction of possible sex at some point. Even if I can't relax, can't trust enough to fully enjoy it anymore. It's still more enjoyable than working on myself. How can I value someone else, someone else's OPINION of me so much higher than my own? I need to learn to value what I think, what I feel about myself before anyone else does. And to do that, I need to NOT let myself be distracted. Because I know I seek it out. I let it happen. I choose the fun over myself. And it needs to stop. NOW. I need to learn myself, and what I truly want, what love truly is before I can continue trying or allowing myself to "love" someone else.

How much is too much?

In the past 5 days I have had a tooth pulled, my ex/roomie lost his job, and lost 2 friends. One to his own idiocy, and one, I'm not really sure why. I have an idea, but no way of knowing if it's true or not.
My married friend forgot to delete his text messages. And his wife saw them. And took his phone, texted me pretending to be him, and panicked me into driving 130 miles round trip to see him. While he was in the hospital. He had gone in Sunday night with atrial fibrillation. And his psychotic wife drew me up there why? To make a scene while her husband was in the hospital with HEART problems? Pretty much. So, he's gone. I miss him. I miss talking to him. But I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I think I did my grieving before this happened.
The other guy... I don't know. He was a friend of a friend. We started talking. We had been trading snarky comments and having amazing chats. He was planning to come out here by my for a weekend this summer. That was all his idea. I never hid what I have. I never pretended to be anything but me. I told him about the bipolar, the no self esteem. He was encouraging. When I told him about the other guy, and losing my only real support, he offered to take that place. He was hinting at interest. Then he got snippy when I didn't answer an IM right away. Then he thought I was upset when I didn't comment back on a snarky comment he made. I wasn't. Then the day I got my tooth pulled, he unfriended me. And when I asked him why, he said there was too much negativity, and that brings out the worst in him. I have no idea where THAT came from. He messaged me that, and then blocked me. I THINK he was getting too involved, panicked, and cut & ran. But I don't know for sure.

I'm feeling pretty rejected. I have no support, except a couple of online groups. I was feeling pretty good earlier today, but now I'm rethinking why he dd that. I was damned certain it wasn't me, now I'm not so sure. I want to use a different account I have to send him a message. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do. If I should just let it go. Or push it. I would welcome any feedback, if anyone reads this.

And on it goes.

Not in a good place right now, which is why I can't write. Which is silly, when I'm in a good place, I don't feel the need to write, when I'm down, I can't write. Right now, I feel like I can't write, can't knit, can't color, can't watch tv, can't shower, can't clean, can't do laundry, can't MOVE. So I'm making myself write.
Therapy right now is writing down the things that trigger me, and tracing it back to where in the past led to these things being triggers. This is one of the most emotionally wrenching things I have ever done. I KNOW these things happened in my past, mostly I try to ignore them. Which results in me getting irrationally mad about being interrupted at work and lashing out at people. Ignoring things doesn't work any more. I have so many ignored things they are spilling out all over my life.

Case in point. I posted a silly "What do you think of me" thing on my FB yesterday. Just in fun. And my mom put "Crazy, Smart, Beautiful, Creative, Awesome, I Love you, and Amazing". These are things I was never told growing up. NEVER. My mom never actually said the words I love you to me until I was 16 and we were in a therapy session together. When I mentioned it, she sad, Well, OF COURSE I love you! But I never heard that. I heard, You're too fat, You can't do anything right, Why can't you keep your room clean. I heard how great my brother was whenever we ran into someone she knew in the grocery store and places like that. And, Oh, this is my daughter. Never anything about how smart, creative, and beautiful I was. Just This is Heather. I heard Stop being so sensitive. There's nothing to cry about. Just ignore it. Basically, I was told to Man Up. Don't let things BOTHER you so much. Who tells their daughter to man up? Instead of trying to find out WHY she has these issues. Why she's still wetting the bed far past when she should be.
I learned how to mirror everyone's emotions around me. Because mine were wrong. Mine were bad. Mine weren't allowed.

Make SURE your kids know that you love them. And that it's OK to be sensitive. And if it seems abnormal, TRY to find out why.

About me.

OK, saw this on The Klonopin Chronicles, I guess I HAVE to do it now...

1.  Where were you born?  

One of the hospitals in Elgin. Pick one. There was a rash of babies dying in one of them around the same time.

2.  Were you named after someone?    

My middle name came from my paternal great grandmother. My first name is ridiculously common for my generation.

3.  How many children do you have?  

1 furkid, 1 ex bf roommate.

4.  How many pets? 

1 kitteh. I want more. The roommate says no. We shall see...

5.  What's the worst injury you ever sustained?  

I've never broken a bone. That said, I have Fibromyalgia, so I'm pretty much one big injury all the time. As well as having dislocated or sprained most of my joints at one point or another. And having arthritis from a young age.

6.  Do you have any special talents?  

Driving to work and not remembering how I got there because I was too busy thinking the whole time. Pretty much doing that all day, actually. My mind never stops. Scaring people with a single look. I can knit. Still working on coloring inside the lines.

7.  Favorite thing to bake?   

Bacon and cinnamon rolls. Yes, I occasionally bake my bacon, and it's delicious. It's bacon.

8.  Favorite food?  

I'll eat anything if you don't tell me what it is. Except bivalves, crustaceans, brussel sprouts, peas, and asparagus. I can smell that shit a mile away.

9.  Would you bungee jump?  

If I was manic.

10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?  

Shoes. If they are cool or not.

11.  When was the last time you cried? 

Yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. And so on.

12.  Any current worries? 

What do I NOT worry about? 

13.  Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.

Coffee.

Water.

Rootbeer.

14.  What's your favorite book? 

Watership Down. Always and forever.

15.  Would you like to be a pirate?   

Um, no. Hate large bodies of water, and I like modern bathrooms too much.

16.  Favorite smells?  

In between my cat's shoulder blades, fresh cut hay, Gain, bergamot & sandalwood

17.  Why do you blog?

I need to get some things out. I don't care if anyone reads it. It's all about me.

18.  What song do you want played at your funeral?

This Is For Real  and L.G.F.U.A.D.- Motion City Soundtrack. And Good Fucking Bye - Matt Skiba.

19.  What is your favorite thing about yourself?

My "tenacity" (not supposed to say stubbornness, it had negative connotations.), my vocabulary, my empathy.

20.  Favorite hobby?

Knitting. Coloring. Knitting. Reading. Watching cryptozoology shows.

21.  Name something you've done, you never thought you would do?

Put everything I have into getting better. Get my FOID card and get a gun.

22.  What do you look for in a friend? 

Acceptance and understanding. And a sense of humor as sick and twisted as my own.

23.  Favorite fun things to do?

Camping. Reading. Coloring. Knitting.

24.  Pet peeves? 

People who stomp around like buffaloes. Hyena-cackling laughers. Invading my personal space.

25.  What's the last thing that made you laugh? 

"What's the last thing that *didn't* make me laugh is a fairer question." - TKC Pretty much fits. I laugh more than I cry (see #11), so I guess I'm doing better than I think.

Now you.  If you're a blogger that reads my blog, consider yourself tagged. 

And now we wait. 

Dontcha love it when everything starts falling apart?

Week from hell. Broke it off with the man I love, did something I swore I would never do again, and got treated like I could snap at any minute by coworkers. Oh, and my only living grannie has congestive heart failure. Which I found out in my newsfeed on Faceyspace. 

I'm still talking to JB. But not the same way. Probably pretty stupid, but I struggled with it and struggled with it and struggled with it. To the point that I cut for the first time in... over 20 years. In so much pain, manic, depressed, angry. I couldn't handle it. I feel like an ass for doing it. But once I did it, I felt better. Stupid endorphins.

Started coloring mandalas. Feverishly, obsessively. It's the only time my brain shuts down without medication. 

I think that's one of the harder things to explain to people. A lot of what I go through, I hear a lot of, "oh, everyone gets that sometimes..." Everyone gets up, everyone gets down. Everyone gets stressed. everyone gets overwhelmed. MY BRAIN NEVER STOPS. When I'm working, I'm thinking about 2 or three things completely un-work related. When I'm driving, same thing. I can't stop it. EVER. Depressed, manic, it never stops. Lately, I've also noticed I'm being triggered by things going on around me as well. Noises, people walking by. I get enraged. 

I'm just a fucking mess.

An Open Letter to JB

What the FUCK does "I don't think I can contribute anything constructive." mean, really? "Anything I say is going to piss you off/hurt you"? Well, I'm already pissed, and I've been hurting for a long time.

Talking to you makes me happy. REALLY being able to talk to you, not just a few texts throughout the day. Being with you, being around you makes me even happier. And I'm not talking sex, though that was fan-fucking-tastic. Just being in your presence. When I think of what could be, I see something beautiful. Something lasting. It's not work if you are doing something you love. It wouldn't be effortless, but it wouldn't be work, either. I don't see perfection, I see something amazing and rare. I see something that everyone is striving for and so few reach. I see comfort and safety and love. I see acceptance. I see a lack of judgement. I see purpose and fun. I see love. These are all the things I see in you and with you. I see beauty.

The reality of what actually IS at this point in time is mere glimpses of that. Enough to keep me going, not enough to satisfy. And it's getting worse the longer I keep getting these random glimpses of it. Bits and pieces aren't enough. Telling me you love me isn't enough. Telling me you want to hold me isn't enough. There's no follow through. There's no basis for it in reality for me anymore. "Oh, here's a crumb."

You acted surprised that I was preparing myself to be alone in this. How can I not? I play by your rules. I don't contact you at home. I give you more patience than I thought I was capable of. And I get so little. And when I ask for something, I don't get it. Given how things have gone thus far, how can I not prepare myself for it? I appreciate the gun, but I didn't ask for it. I asked for a letter. I get detailed instructions. Not quite the same as a letter. I ask to know what YOU want. I ask for you to think about what YOU want. No answer. Yeah, that pretty much tells me that I'm not a priority. That as much as you love me, you can't or won't give me what I need. Which in my mind equates to "I'm not worth it." No matter how many times you tell me otherwise. Actions DO speak louder than words, but there is no action when you can never see someone.

I don't know where you are. I don't know what you want, aside from both of us. Well, S has made that an impossibility. I was willing to try. Because in my mind, YOU are worth it. You are a wonderful, amazing, beautiful person. And I love you so much. But I need to take control of SOMETHING, because you won't. I need a break from all of this. I need to step back and take some time and some room to think. I know what I want. I need to figure out how far I'm willing to compromise myself to get it.

I love you. NEVER doubt that. I know you've said I'm stronger and more mature than S, but that doesn't mean I don't need you. That doesn't mean that this doesn't hurt me every fucking day. That I'm always the third choice. I'm not asking to be the first. I'm just asking for more than the hell of limbo that I'm stuck in. I'm asking for hope that someday, this could change. And if you can't give me that, maybe it IS time to let go. I deserve more than an hour or so of your time a few months from now. And you fucking KNOW it. 

"The curse which lies upon marriage is that too often the individuals are joined in their weakness rather than in their strength, each asking from the other instead of finding pleasure in giving. It is even more deceptive to dream of gaining through the child a plenitude, a warmth, a value, which one is unable to create for oneself; the child brings joy only to the woman who is capable of disinterestedly desiring the happiness of another, to one who without being wrapped up in self seeks to transcend her own existence."
--The Second Sex (1949), by Simone de Beauvoir

Sad but true...

I really have no idea what I'm doing here, so bear with me, please. This is just because I can't WRITE anymore. I used to physically write prolifically, and I have the 257 journals to prove it.
So, hi. 38 year old SWF. Well, kinda single. One of the things to get into, probably very quickly. I'd ask for no judgement, but I know I'll get it anyway. Don't judge unless you are in the thick of it. I'll just ignore you, anyway. No kids, never married. I have a cat named Boba. I read everything I can get my hands on, I try to knit things and rarely finish them. I'm in a "relationship" with a married man. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my ex. I have been diagnosed with MDD, GAD, Social Anxiety, and most recently Bipolar Disorder NOS. I've been told I'm lazy, I'm too sensitive, that I'm incomplete, that I'm nuts. I've been in and out of therapy for 22 years now. I have days when I'm good, and days when I'm a fucked up mess who can't talk or stop crying. 
So, the cast. 
There is CK the ex. Also my roommate. We dated for 4 years. The last 2 of them, I was miserable every day. But I didn't know why until I realized he's a selfish, self-centered bastard, just like his mom. We still live together because I can't afford to live on my own. And I have too much of a conscience to abandon him. Even if he IS a douche. When you take in a puppy or a kitten, you are stuck with them. Yes, I view him as a kind of annoying pet. 
There is JB the married "boyfriend". Whom I met after the break-up on a dating site. When he was in an open relationship because his wife of 18 years wasn't attracted to him anymore, cheated on him, and basically wanted to fuck other guys. He loves her, he figured out a way to stay with her. Oh, and he's terrified of being alone. This whole thing we have going on was NOT supposed to happen. It was just supposed to be for funsies after 4 years of god-awfully bad sex. Well, THAT didn't work out, either. I met someone who is hilarious, smart, hot, and is capable of almost all of the 21 things Robert Heinlein listed as things every human being should be able to do: "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly." I say "almost" because there are no starships to conn, and he hasn't died yet. When I was growing up, this quote pretty much defined what I want in a man. I never told anyone that, thinking it was a pipe dream to find someone like that. And through a seemingly random series of events, I found one. 
I say "was" in an open relationship. That ended because of me. Yup, I drive men's wives to beg them to come back. Because I'm THAT awesome. (Sarcastic much? Just a bit.) She saw our emails and IM's and realized she was losing him. He was told if he kept in contact with me, it meant divorce. But SURPRISE! He still talks to me. Crazy ranting emails and all. I love this man, and can't give him up. Yet. He says he loves me. I know it sounds like stupid girl shit, but I believe him. It all sounds like excuses, and maybe they are. That's part of what this is about. 

Recently, a newbie came on the scene. JL. Co-worker, kinda looks like JB. Fucking BRILLIANT, socially inept, possibly completely batshit crazy. Oh, and did I mention hot? I'm a slave to my hormones and an intense fear of abandonment.