I feel like I NEED to write. Like it's not a choice at this point in time.
Why do I need to write? I feel like a worthless, pointless, apathetic lump of shit. Intellectually, I KNOW this isn't true. I KNOW that I'm not. I AM VALUABLE. Emotionally, the words ring false. I'm unlovable. I'll never be worthy of love. I'm not capable of returning love, would I be so lucky as to receive it. Too self absorbed, too selfish, never GOOD enough.
" There will never be
Another one like you
There will never be
Another one who can
Do the things you do.
Will you give another chance?
Will you give a little try?"
- The Doors, Shaman's Blues
The worst part is, I KNOW it's all just feelings. Not truth. Not honesty. Feelings brought on by circumstance, by hormones, by biochemical issues in my brain. IT'S NOT ME. It's NOT true, it's NOT who I am. It's how I feel right now. It WILL pass.
I've made decisions to cut people out of my life. One I was forced to make. The other, I chose to make. And they both hurt. But the hurt is part of learning. Learning how to dictate how I choose to be treated. Learning how to rid myself of people who can't or won't return the respect, friendship, trust, and love that I give.
I need to stop hiding. I need to get out and LIVE again. Stop hiding behind all my fears and phone and laptop. Go outside. Feel the air. Feel the earth. Get more exercise. Even if it's just walking around the block. I need to get off my ass.
I have so DAMN much to learn still. So damn much. It overwhelms me at times, especially not knowing what all I still need to learn. Somethings I know and am working on. Triggers, loving myself first. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Mostly of myself.
I know if it wasn't for this hard road, I wouldn't be the person I am today. But sometimes, I just wish it could be a little easier.
I truly need to stop focusing on men as a distraction. But I've been doing it for so long, it's hard to stop. Who wouldn't rather feel the thrill, the excitement, the wanting instead of doing the hard work? The work of making myself into someone I can love. For ME. It's so much harder than the pleasurable distraction of possible sex at some point. Even if I can't relax, can't trust enough to fully enjoy it anymore. It's still more enjoyable than working on myself. How can I value someone else, someone else's OPINION of me so much higher than my own? I need to learn to value what I think, what I feel about myself before anyone else does. And to do that, I need to NOT let myself be distracted. Because I know I seek it out. I let it happen. I choose the fun over myself. And it needs to stop. NOW. I need to learn myself, and what I truly want, what love truly is before I can continue trying or allowing myself to "love" someone else.
