On here and in RL. Part depression (STILL), part confusion, part lack of interest in examining anything. I have a new friend, and he's making me examine things. Not in a mean way, just that he will ask me about things and push me on it. He challenges me. I like that.
I had a pretty big problem with it at the beginning of our friendship. I wanted to date him. He's attractive, smart as hell, funny. We talked about it extensively. Which is odd to me. But the whole friendship is odd, in a good way. Part of the issue was having deep, emotional, thoughtful conversations with someone. I'm not used to that level of emotional intimacy. It messed with my head big time. It wasn't anything he did on purpose, he set VERY clear boundaries that he only wants friendship. And gave me valid reasons why, namely that he wants kids and I don't. As I've come to know him longer and take the "Everything he does is wonderful" blinders off, I've come to realize he was completely correct, and I would end up hating him if we dated. HA. But he's become one of the best friends I have ever had. Still struggling with wanting to jump on him, but I can handle that.
Open and honest communication. That's the basis of our friendship. That and he has a need to help people, and I need help. And he needs help, and I need to help. It goes both ways. I told him that's why I haven't gone full-on atheist, because The Universe or God or Life or whomever brings people into your life when you need to learn something. Sometimes you recognize it as it's happening, sometimes you don't. This is one where I recognize that he's someone I need to learn things from. Trust. Compassion. How to be friends again. Patience.
He's one of the most compassionate and genuinely GOOD people I have ever met in my life. He can be a thoughtless jerk, he's a complete spazz, he has far to much energy for me sometimes, he's needy and exhausting at times. But I love him as a friend, he's also an amazing person who has no idea how beautiful his soul is.
Still working on getting the money issue under control. The ex is working again, but he's making less than he was on unemployment. But he's out of the house, not as depressed, and not stressing me out by being here and depressed all the time. My vacation reset, and I got FMLA again. Already using it, but that's what it's there for. I'm trying NOT to use it so often. I have had a med change, and am hoping that will help with that.
My pdoc upped my Lamictal to 200 mg/day, and I tapered myself off Zoloft and he let me switch to Celexa. I heard from other people that Zoloft made their anxiety worse, and lo and behold, when I started going off it mine went down as well. It was out of control. Now it's MUCH better. I'm hoping the Celexa, being something I haven't tried, will help get me out of the depression I've been in for over a year. and the higher dose of Lamictal as well. And that's about it. Going back to sleep shortly.
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