Week from hell. Broke it off with the man I love, did something I swore I would never do again, and got treated like I could snap at any minute by coworkers. Oh, and my only living grannie has congestive heart failure. Which I found out in my newsfeed on Faceyspace.
I'm still talking to JB. But not the same way. Probably pretty stupid, but I struggled with it and struggled with it and struggled with it. To the point that I cut for the first time in... over 20 years. In so much pain, manic, depressed, angry. I couldn't handle it. I feel like an ass for doing it. But once I did it, I felt better. Stupid endorphins.
Started coloring mandalas. Feverishly, obsessively. It's the only time my brain shuts down without medication.
I think that's one of the harder things to explain to people. A lot of what I go through, I hear a lot of, "oh, everyone gets that sometimes..." Everyone gets up, everyone gets down. Everyone gets stressed. everyone gets overwhelmed. MY BRAIN NEVER STOPS. When I'm working, I'm thinking about 2 or three things completely un-work related. When I'm driving, same thing. I can't stop it. EVER. Depressed, manic, it never stops. Lately, I've also noticed I'm being triggered by things going on around me as well. Noises, people walking by. I get enraged.
I'm just a fucking mess.
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