Sad but true...

I really have no idea what I'm doing here, so bear with me, please. This is just because I can't WRITE anymore. I used to physically write prolifically, and I have the 257 journals to prove it.
So, hi. 38 year old SWF. Well, kinda single. One of the things to get into, probably very quickly. I'd ask for no judgement, but I know I'll get it anyway. Don't judge unless you are in the thick of it. I'll just ignore you, anyway. No kids, never married. I have a cat named Boba. I read everything I can get my hands on, I try to knit things and rarely finish them. I'm in a "relationship" with a married man. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my ex. I have been diagnosed with MDD, GAD, Social Anxiety, and most recently Bipolar Disorder NOS. I've been told I'm lazy, I'm too sensitive, that I'm incomplete, that I'm nuts. I've been in and out of therapy for 22 years now. I have days when I'm good, and days when I'm a fucked up mess who can't talk or stop crying. 
So, the cast. 
There is CK the ex. Also my roommate. We dated for 4 years. The last 2 of them, I was miserable every day. But I didn't know why until I realized he's a selfish, self-centered bastard, just like his mom. We still live together because I can't afford to live on my own. And I have too much of a conscience to abandon him. Even if he IS a douche. When you take in a puppy or a kitten, you are stuck with them. Yes, I view him as a kind of annoying pet. 
There is JB the married "boyfriend". Whom I met after the break-up on a dating site. When he was in an open relationship because his wife of 18 years wasn't attracted to him anymore, cheated on him, and basically wanted to fuck other guys. He loves her, he figured out a way to stay with her. Oh, and he's terrified of being alone. This whole thing we have going on was NOT supposed to happen. It was just supposed to be for funsies after 4 years of god-awfully bad sex. Well, THAT didn't work out, either. I met someone who is hilarious, smart, hot, and is capable of almost all of the 21 things Robert Heinlein listed as things every human being should be able to do: "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly." I say "almost" because there are no starships to conn, and he hasn't died yet. When I was growing up, this quote pretty much defined what I want in a man. I never told anyone that, thinking it was a pipe dream to find someone like that. And through a seemingly random series of events, I found one. 
I say "was" in an open relationship. That ended because of me. Yup, I drive men's wives to beg them to come back. Because I'm THAT awesome. (Sarcastic much? Just a bit.) She saw our emails and IM's and realized she was losing him. He was told if he kept in contact with me, it meant divorce. But SURPRISE! He still talks to me. Crazy ranting emails and all. I love this man, and can't give him up. Yet. He says he loves me. I know it sounds like stupid girl shit, but I believe him. It all sounds like excuses, and maybe they are. That's part of what this is about. 

Recently, a newbie came on the scene. JL. Co-worker, kinda looks like JB. Fucking BRILLIANT, socially inept, possibly completely batshit crazy. Oh, and did I mention hot? I'm a slave to my hormones and an intense fear of abandonment.