An Open Letter to JB

What the FUCK does "I don't think I can contribute anything constructive." mean, really? "Anything I say is going to piss you off/hurt you"? Well, I'm already pissed, and I've been hurting for a long time.

Talking to you makes me happy. REALLY being able to talk to you, not just a few texts throughout the day. Being with you, being around you makes me even happier. And I'm not talking sex, though that was fan-fucking-tastic. Just being in your presence. When I think of what could be, I see something beautiful. Something lasting. It's not work if you are doing something you love. It wouldn't be effortless, but it wouldn't be work, either. I don't see perfection, I see something amazing and rare. I see something that everyone is striving for and so few reach. I see comfort and safety and love. I see acceptance. I see a lack of judgement. I see purpose and fun. I see love. These are all the things I see in you and with you. I see beauty.

The reality of what actually IS at this point in time is mere glimpses of that. Enough to keep me going, not enough to satisfy. And it's getting worse the longer I keep getting these random glimpses of it. Bits and pieces aren't enough. Telling me you love me isn't enough. Telling me you want to hold me isn't enough. There's no follow through. There's no basis for it in reality for me anymore. "Oh, here's a crumb."

You acted surprised that I was preparing myself to be alone in this. How can I not? I play by your rules. I don't contact you at home. I give you more patience than I thought I was capable of. And I get so little. And when I ask for something, I don't get it. Given how things have gone thus far, how can I not prepare myself for it? I appreciate the gun, but I didn't ask for it. I asked for a letter. I get detailed instructions. Not quite the same as a letter. I ask to know what YOU want. I ask for you to think about what YOU want. No answer. Yeah, that pretty much tells me that I'm not a priority. That as much as you love me, you can't or won't give me what I need. Which in my mind equates to "I'm not worth it." No matter how many times you tell me otherwise. Actions DO speak louder than words, but there is no action when you can never see someone.

I don't know where you are. I don't know what you want, aside from both of us. Well, S has made that an impossibility. I was willing to try. Because in my mind, YOU are worth it. You are a wonderful, amazing, beautiful person. And I love you so much. But I need to take control of SOMETHING, because you won't. I need a break from all of this. I need to step back and take some time and some room to think. I know what I want. I need to figure out how far I'm willing to compromise myself to get it.

I love you. NEVER doubt that. I know you've said I'm stronger and more mature than S, but that doesn't mean I don't need you. That doesn't mean that this doesn't hurt me every fucking day. That I'm always the third choice. I'm not asking to be the first. I'm just asking for more than the hell of limbo that I'm stuck in. I'm asking for hope that someday, this could change. And if you can't give me that, maybe it IS time to let go. I deserve more than an hour or so of your time a few months from now. And you fucking KNOW it. 

"The curse which lies upon marriage is that too often the individuals are joined in their weakness rather than in their strength, each asking from the other instead of finding pleasure in giving. It is even more deceptive to dream of gaining through the child a plenitude, a warmth, a value, which one is unable to create for oneself; the child brings joy only to the woman who is capable of disinterestedly desiring the happiness of another, to one who without being wrapped up in self seeks to transcend her own existence."
--The Second Sex (1949), by Simone de Beauvoir